Creature – Review by DOTD

Mamos’ theory of going farther away from the Great Northwest, in both time and space, seems to have been correct. Instead of little dolls running around and giggling, we actually got back to some good old fashioned gore and special effects. Creature delivered everything that represents the 1980s in one neat little package and also had some interesting plot points.

We start out following some West German scientists on Saturn’s moon Titan. When was the last time you heard somebody use the term West Germany? Anyway, they find an alien in a capsule and decide to do what any good scientist would do and pose for a photo op. Which leads me to my favorite kill of the movie. The alien bursts through the capsule and through the bottom of the scientists space suit, devouring him from the ass up. The suit fills up to the helmet in blood, and the screen fades to black. Thats when I knew we were back on track.

American scientists crash land on the moon and the movie really gets going. We had lots of gore, some great 80’s nudity, and some awesomely quirky characters. My personal favorite was an old German pervert who kept chasing after the American women. Old men are almost always funny to me. The Creature itself also had some interesting attributes. Although usually portrayed as a mindless monster, this creature also had the ability to implant little baby creatures onto his victims bodies. The corpses would then reanimate and proceed to trick other victims into certain death. The panicking Americans thought they had killed the creature more than once, but it always popped back up to terrorize them.

Creature had almost everything I look for in a monster movie. The only downfall was not enough screen time for the eponymous creature and the too dark space setting. Sometimes it was hard to make out what was going on. Still, it wasnt enough to make me grade it down too much. Overall it was a wild romp through sci fi of yester year.

4 out of 5 Pervy Germans

Dolly Dearest Review – Dave of the Dead

We decided to take a trip down memory lane to the early 1990’s. Im sure you remember the Childs Play movies about a homicidal doll. Well before he had adventures at military camp and then got married Chucky was actually pretty scary. Still, I dont see the reason Hollywood decided to run with the whole demonic doll idea.

Dolly Dearest sounds great on paper. Seriously. If I told you we were going to watch a movie about an ancient evil spirit, set it in Mexico, threw in some archeology and a demon goat baby, would you not be intrigued? Of course you would be. Somehow they still managed to fuck it all up. They even had Rip Torn in the mix! How the hell did this go so wrong?

I dont even know where to begin. None of the plot really made sense. Were just told that an American family moves to Mexico so that the father can buy an abandoned doll factory and then his daughters doll becomes infected by an evil spirit. I cant even give you a favorite kill because the doll doesnt really even kill anybody. Halfway through there are now multiple evil dolls with no explanation as to why! The movie ends when they blow up the doll factory, but are we supposed to believe that the evil is now purged? How would that help anything! This was just plain bad, and not in the good way.

1/5 Malibu Stacy dolls

Dave: Review for ZMD

“Dim the lights. Bingo night is cancelled.”

ZMD was a bit unlike any zombie movie I have ever seen.  While it had some legitimately cool scenes and a good sense of humor, I found the film to be a bit slow and preachy. Our heroine spent most of the movie tied to a lawn chair, it was a full half hour before a zombie attacked anyone, and too much time was spent on trashy white people hating on Iranian-Americans. There is a time and place to make a political statement. A zombie film is not one of them.

The film gets bonus points for being set in my home state of Washington. Washington is probably best known as the setting for Twilight, so anything to remove that stigma gets kudos from me. I also give props for the use of a weed whacker to kill zombies, a good face peeling/eating scene, and a zombie child having its head blown off. Frida is also pretty hot.

An unnecessary terrorist link and borderline boring action scenes earn this film 2 Iranian Head Rips out of 5