Assault of the Sasquatch

Ok, so we don’t really post on a regular basis, we are working on that… sorta. Like a sasquatch we can attack at any time with new posts, so you have to watch out.

Speaking of Sasquatch (segways are a skill of mine. Its on my resume)- our movie this week is Assault of the Sasquatch. Our pacific northwest roots require we do at least one Sasquatch movie a year, or more likely many Sasquatch movies a year. Just look at the poster for this movie… we already know it is a winner.

 

Reviews will be coming up soon.

 

 

“When a merciless bear poacher is caught and arrested deep in the woods of a state park, he and his truck are taken to a neglected precinct in the heart of a dying city. Unbeknownst to the authorities, the impounded truck holds a deadly cargo in the form of the legendary Sasquatch. Now, stuck in an unfamiliar world, the creature will let nothing and no one stop it from coming face-to-face with the unscrupulous man who ruthlessly ripped it from its environment. Taking an inventive and action packed approach, “Sasquatch Assault” breaths new and exciting life into the immortal legend of Bigfoot.”

Creature- Mamos Review

Sorry for the late review- just got back from vacation. I was out on beaches trying to get attacked by ancient sharks and grabbed for government experiments by mad scientists, but sadly I made it back unharmed. When will I get to use all the monster survival skills I have learned from these movies?

What I learned from this movie:

Not all German’s in movies have over the top accents, but they do all sexually harass American women.

Review:

The 80s was an amazing time for horror movies. The cheesy models and men wearing giant monster suits.  Give me a man in a giant rubber suit as a monster any day over a CGI anything (other then possibly a sasquatch because they are awsome and a man in a sasquatch suit will always look like chewbacca).

Creature featured two teams (one German, one American) exploring the moon of Titan. The first team there all dies, of course. And the second team investigates what went wrong.

This movie is full of unintentionally funny moments and actually as a pretty interesting story.

If I had to look for complaints with this movie it is that the monster doesn’t get enough screen time and how he only has one scientist killing move. He eats through peoples necks, it is cool, but it gets a little repetitive.

Best Monster Kill:

The monster neck bite. He catches his prey and slowly eats through their neck. It is a cool way for the monster to eat people, and is even more amazing when you see how slow the monster moves. He takes his time to get people, then he gets a nice snack.

Best Scene:

Don’t have to wait long for the best scene on the unintentional comedy scale. The movie opens with the german scientists (sadly no over the top german accent) finding a capsule with a monster in it. In celebration (all scientist celebrate this way) they take pictures of each other sitting on the capsule and release the monster who kills them. Creature 1 Science 0.

Rating:

Amazing film. I had to drop it 1/2 a point because there were no silly german accents, if only…

4/5 Colonel Klinks (because now all I can think about are funny germans)

Creature

Last time we left the horror filled pacific northwest and went south to Mexico and back to the 90s. This did not go well. For our next movie we are going even farther away and back in time: the moon of Saturn and the 80s. I have a feeling we are going to get better results.

Synopsis:

“After landing on Saturn’s largest moon, an American exploration team discovers that members of a rival German group have been mutilated. As their numbers dwindle, the explorers look for a way to stop a vicious alien creature from killing them all. Starring Stan Ivar, Wendy Schaal, Lyman Ward, Diane Salinger and Klaus Kinski, this sci-fi horror film features a truly disgusting monster and loads of messy murders.”

Mamos Review: Dolly Dearest

What I learned from this movie:

Ancient evil spirits like to hang out in giant doll houses.

Review:

This movie was all about missed potential. Ancient evil spirit and an unearthed tomb? check. Very creepy looking doll that is turning someone’s daughter to a bad guy? check. Not just one evil doll, but many of the same doll running around causing trouble? check.

This all sounds like a recipe for a good scary movie, or at least a comically bad and entertaining scary movie, but sadly neither of these is the case. The movie feels like it is constantly building up to something, but it never gets there.  By the end of the movie nothing has really happened. Only two people have been killed by the dolls! These are supposed to be evil ancient spirits, but they would rather play hide and seek in a warehouse and look creepy then do anything really evil. I guess the evil industry has grown by leaps and bounds while these spirits were locked up and they just need to relearn the trade.

Best Monster Kill: None. Only two people die in this one and both the deaths were not very impressive. One person dies from a sewing machine getting him in the hand. That doesn’t even make sense.

Best Scene:

My favorite scene is definitely in the climax of the movie where the dolls and the man characters (including a young Rip Torn) face off in the warehouse. It is very confusing with people throwing dynamite all over and the dolls trying to put them out. You have to see it to truely try and understand what is going on, and even then, it is very confusing. You think the heroes would blow themselves up, also being in the warehouse, but they survive, and get a classic run out of the place while it blows up in the background scene.

Rating:

I was expecting a lot from a B-movie from the 90s, a decade full of amazing bad movies. This one greatly disappointed.

0/5 Happy Mamos’

 

Dolly Dearest

 

The holidays are over and its back to work. This week we are reviewing the movie Dolly Dearest. A classic from the ancient time known as the 90s. This movies brings us a lot of nastagia for flannel shirts, tape players, and dolls that murder people.

 

“If Chucky from Child’s Play weren’t already taken, he just might go for this demonic she-devil. Infused with the energy of an ancient black-magic cult, an otherwise normal plaything begins affecting her surroundings with a series of horrible “accidents.” But the little girl (Candy Hutson) who loves her refuses to believe her dolly has been bad. Rip Torn co-stars as an archaeologist who unearths the toy’s dirty little secret.”

Vipers

This Sunday we are getting together and watching the oscar snubbed Vipers. This movie is Tara Reid’s comeback movie. This movie looks like a quality that will bring her career back the same way Swordfish brought back Jon Travolta’s career.

Stay tuned- our reviews will be up this week

Synopsis:

A team of scientists is using venomous snakes in their quest to develop a cure for cancer. When the medical lab is broken into, the genetically altered vipersare unleashed on the helpless population. A rapidly dwindling number of survivors, trapped on a nearby island, hole up in a hotel in a last-ditch attempt to escape the bloodthirsty serpents. Tara Reid, Jonathan Scarfe, Corbin Bernsen and Jessica Steen star in this skin-crawling chiller.

Dave’s Review: Vipers

Unlike our last outing this film went straight to the action!  We have all sorts of plots and subplots. Genetically engineered beasts? check. Government conspiracy? check.  A secluded island with no cell reception? check and check! Basically it has all the ear marks of a great movie.

Once again the movie takes place in the Pacific Northwest (I swear we just picked it at random) on what I assume are the secluded San Juan Islands. Nicky Swift (Tara Reid) is the islands resident scientist/snake expert/marijuana farmer. As silly as it sounds she is by far the most interesting character. The rest of the cast include town cop, whiney teenager, dumb blonde with big tits, and a streetwise tough guy from NY. Generic to say the least, but not terrible.

After the Vipers escape their government lab we really get to see what makes them so special. Not only do they attack in groups, but they actually bite out chunks of flesh as they kill and can consume the entire body leaving no trace! Awesomeness. My favorite Viper kill came early when the sneaky serpents interrupted a couple on their honeymoon mid coitus. How they got in the tent is still a mystery, but they ate everything except the engagement ring. While I enjoyed the yin and yang of using both fire extinguishers and a flamethrower to combat the snakes, the best kill came when Mr. New York saved a fallen Nicky Swift by throwing his hunting knife and impaling a viper right through its open mouth!

Some parts of the movie dragged a bit as they tried to inject some feelings into the plot. It is also apparently impossible for Tara Reid to convey more than one emotion. Overall this was a fun outing that earns Vipers 3 1/2 Party Girls out of 5

Mamos Review: Vipers

What I learned from this movie:

As Dave stated above in his review. Our second movie is again in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
This brings me to what I learned from this movie: Washington State has the most monsters, zombies, and genetically mutated animals in the United States.

Review:
After the zombie movie of last week we decided to try out a creature feature. This amazing piece of cinema takes us again to an island in the state of Washington. I used to want to move to an island, with beautiful views, water on every side, and a slow peaceful life. I now know that living on an island would lead to either death by zombie or I would be eaten by super snakes.

This movie again had a good amount of deaths and had a good amount of gore and ridiculous. Unfortunately I do not think anyone told the director he as directing a monster movie and not Shaw shank. Every 10 minutes (between snakes eating unsuspecting islanders) had a monologue by one of the characters about tough times in their life- the tough life in the marines, dumping a man she loved, or parents that asked for forgiveness from their child for screwing up some how. Each of these scenes even had a musical score behind it to try to add emotion and show the acting chops of the actors… but sadly, the snakes killed the acting ability before it got to the characters.

Best Monster Kill: I never knew Vipers eat their victims in the same way a tiger or a bear would, but apparently they do. Best kill would be after the Vipers poison their victim and then they swarm and start eating them. I’ve never seen this in a movie before (and I’ve seen many a creature feature) but I loved it.

Best Scene:
Every scene was a amazing when it didn’t have Tara Reid in it.

It was funny- and would make a great drinking game- to see how many scenes between two characters would end with Tara Reid coming into the scene to add her monotone opinion on what they are talking about. I know I am asking a lot from a woman that stared in Hitched and My Boss’s Daughter, but she was in The Big Lebowski.

They might look scary here, but they strike in CGI

Rating:
Sadly, I will have to disagree with Dave on his rating. Dave is more of a creature feature guy while I am more of a zombie apocalypse fan. As you can see from the ratings of our first two movies.

I also always have a hard time when the monsters are all CGI.Vipers did a decent job with the CGI for a tv movie, but… they are still CGI snakes.

1/5 My Boss’s Daughter DVDs

Dan’s Review: Vipers

So I’m a little late in reviewing our latest movie, but then again you need some time to fully process a film like Vipers.  As Dave and Mamos have mentioned, Vipers is a star vehicle for the illustrious Tara Reid. While, it didn’t co-star her mangled nipples, her wooden acting was indeed on full display.

Unlike our last film, the action picked up right from the start when an experiment at a science facility that was mutating vipers to cure cancer (makes perfect sense) goes horribly wrong.  Within the next 10 minutes we get a gratuitous sex scene and at least two more Viper maulings.  Now that’s what I call an inciting incident!

From there we meet our cast of characters, Reid’s Nicky Swift a tough no-nonsense pot grower that enjoys wearing beanies, a young doctor who fought in Iraq, a bratty teenager who gets in trouble for getting high with Tara Reid (as Fresh Prince once said, parents just don’t understand), some old guy, um i think there was a blonde dude…really, who cares; the vipers are the star of this film, and there are plenty of them (seriously, they started with like 6; these things must screw like bunnies).

From there we get a slew of viper kills.  While lacking a bit in variety, they make up for in quantity.  The film gets a bit muddled down by the insistence of including a plot (I think Reid was banging the Dr.’s buddy who died in the war?), but it’s basically wall-to-wall viper action.

This was a nice bounce-back film, and if they had killed off the teenage girl I might have bumped it up to 4 stars.  As it stands, Vipers gets a solid 3 self-entitled teenage girls out of 5.

Mamos: Review of Zombies of Mass Destruction

What I learned from this movie:
Politicians are more likable as zombies then as people.

Review:
One can only hope this movie makes Port Gamble, Washington the tourist destination that Twilight did for Forks, Washington.

ZMD is more of a commedicly bad zombie movie. If you are looking for scares, look elsewhere. If you are looking for laughs and over the top political undertones, this is your bread and butter.
The Political element was very bad, although it led to some very hate-able characters that I really enjoyed seeing die: a politician, a homophobic/homosexual (alluded to) priest, a red neck american (who was originally from Canada), and a dumb boyfriend. It was great watching all these people die, but it took so long to get to good zombie violence it almost wasn’t worth it.
Although the political undertones were very obvious and preachy- they did add to the ridiculousness of the story. This movie definitely embraced the ridiculous. I would recommend watching this movie with a group of people that are ready to laugh, and be grossed out (it did have some great zombie attack, and zombie killing scenes).

Best Monster Kill: For lack of quantity of zombie/people killing this movie did have some quality. There is a lot to choose from for this award: weed whacker, face rip-off, fire poker, etc…

I would say the definite winner is Frida’s dad running around a park full of zombies looking for his daughter and ripping the head off of a zombie (with his bare hands). This is the first time I’ve seen a movie do this and I must say… I was impressed.

Church isn’t as friendly as I remembered it as a kid

Best Scene:
This is easy to pick out in ZMD. The gay couple is grabbed by the church goers that believe the zombie attack is the end of the world. It just so happens that the church has a conversion chair in the basement where they strap the person in and make him watch “gay” movies while giving him an IV drip that makes him nauseous. The movie they make him watch is the funny part. It is basically 3 guys wrestling on the beach wearing banana hammocks. I think one of them had a sombrero on. You have to see it to fully take in this odd scene.

Rating:
See this movie if you want to laugh, be a little grossed out, and be really annoyed by some of the characters.

3/5 Conversion Chairs

First Movie!

Its finally time to review some amazing pieces of cinema. Our first movie will be Zombies of Mass Destruction. Our reviews will be up in the next couple of days.

Plot: When flesh-eating zombies assault their idyllic town, a ragtag group of locals — including gay couple Tom (Doug Fahl) and Lance (Cooper Hopkins), Iranian American college student Frida (Janette Armand) and conservative Rev. Haggis (Bill Johns) — join forces to repel the brutal onslaught. Set in a paranoid post-9/11 America, this nerve-racking horror movie offers witty social satire as well as an abundance of blood and guts.

Hello world!

Hello all and welcome to our blog. Whether you’re a fan of zombies, werewolves, sea-men, or vampires (but if you like teenage vampires you can geeeet out) this blog is for you. We will be reviewing great horror movies, discussing the dos and don’ts of surviving the zombie apocalypse, and helping you choose which horror movie to take a date on when you never want to see her or him again.

Welcome, and stay tuned for the first movie we will review (we promise it will a ridiculously over the top and make Ice Spiders on SyFy look like Gone with the Wind).