Assault of the Sasquatch

Ok, so we don’t really post on a regular basis, we are working on that… sorta. Like a sasquatch we can attack at any time with new posts, so you have to watch out.

Speaking of Sasquatch (segways are a skill of mine. Its on my resume)- our movie this week is Assault of the Sasquatch. Our pacific northwest roots require we do at least one Sasquatch movie a year, or more likely many Sasquatch movies a year. Just look at the poster for this movie… we already know it is a winner.

 

Reviews will be coming up soon.

 

 

“When a merciless bear poacher is caught and arrested deep in the woods of a state park, he and his truck are taken to a neglected precinct in the heart of a dying city. Unbeknownst to the authorities, the impounded truck holds a deadly cargo in the form of the legendary Sasquatch. Now, stuck in an unfamiliar world, the creature will let nothing and no one stop it from coming face-to-face with the unscrupulous man who ruthlessly ripped it from its environment. Taking an inventive and action packed approach, “Sasquatch Assault” breaths new and exciting life into the immortal legend of Bigfoot.”

Creature- Mamos Review

Sorry for the late review- just got back from vacation. I was out on beaches trying to get attacked by ancient sharks and grabbed for government experiments by mad scientists, but sadly I made it back unharmed. When will I get to use all the monster survival skills I have learned from these movies?

What I learned from this movie:

Not all German’s in movies have over the top accents, but they do all sexually harass American women.

Review:

The 80s was an amazing time for horror movies. The cheesy models and men wearing giant monster suits.  Give me a man in a giant rubber suit as a monster any day over a CGI anything (other then possibly a sasquatch because they are awsome and a man in a sasquatch suit will always look like chewbacca).

Creature featured two teams (one German, one American) exploring the moon of Titan. The first team there all dies, of course. And the second team investigates what went wrong.

This movie is full of unintentionally funny moments and actually as a pretty interesting story.

If I had to look for complaints with this movie it is that the monster doesn’t get enough screen time and how he only has one scientist killing move. He eats through peoples necks, it is cool, but it gets a little repetitive.

Best Monster Kill:

The monster neck bite. He catches his prey and slowly eats through their neck. It is a cool way for the monster to eat people, and is even more amazing when you see how slow the monster moves. He takes his time to get people, then he gets a nice snack.

Best Scene:

Don’t have to wait long for the best scene on the unintentional comedy scale. The movie opens with the german scientists (sadly no over the top german accent) finding a capsule with a monster in it. In celebration (all scientist celebrate this way) they take pictures of each other sitting on the capsule and release the monster who kills them. Creature 1 Science 0.

Rating:

Amazing film. I had to drop it 1/2 a point because there were no silly german accents, if only…

4/5 Colonel Klinks (because now all I can think about are funny germans)

Creature – Review by DOTD

Mamos’ theory of going farther away from the Great Northwest, in both time and space, seems to have been correct. Instead of little dolls running around and giggling, we actually got back to some good old fashioned gore and special effects. Creature delivered everything that represents the 1980s in one neat little package and also had some interesting plot points.

We start out following some West German scientists on Saturn’s moon Titan. When was the last time you heard somebody use the term West Germany? Anyway, they find an alien in a capsule and decide to do what any good scientist would do and pose for a photo op. Which leads me to my favorite kill of the movie. The alien bursts through the capsule and through the bottom of the scientists space suit, devouring him from the ass up. The suit fills up to the helmet in blood, and the screen fades to black. Thats when I knew we were back on track.

American scientists crash land on the moon and the movie really gets going. We had lots of gore, some great 80’s nudity, and some awesomely quirky characters. My personal favorite was an old German pervert who kept chasing after the American women. Old men are almost always funny to me. The Creature itself also had some interesting attributes. Although usually portrayed as a mindless monster, this creature also had the ability to implant little baby creatures onto his victims bodies. The corpses would then reanimate and proceed to trick other victims into certain death. The panicking Americans thought they had killed the creature more than once, but it always popped back up to terrorize them.

Creature had almost everything I look for in a monster movie. The only downfall was not enough screen time for the eponymous creature and the too dark space setting. Sometimes it was hard to make out what was going on. Still, it wasnt enough to make me grade it down too much. Overall it was a wild romp through sci fi of yester year.

4 out of 5 Pervy Germans

Creature

Last time we left the horror filled pacific northwest and went south to Mexico and back to the 90s. This did not go well. For our next movie we are going even farther away and back in time: the moon of Saturn and the 80s. I have a feeling we are going to get better results.

Synopsis:

“After landing on Saturn’s largest moon, an American exploration team discovers that members of a rival German group have been mutilated. As their numbers dwindle, the explorers look for a way to stop a vicious alien creature from killing them all. Starring Stan Ivar, Wendy Schaal, Lyman Ward, Diane Salinger and Klaus Kinski, this sci-fi horror film features a truly disgusting monster and loads of messy murders.”

Dolly Dearest Review – Dave of the Dead

We decided to take a trip down memory lane to the early 1990’s. Im sure you remember the Childs Play movies about a homicidal doll. Well before he had adventures at military camp and then got married Chucky was actually pretty scary. Still, I dont see the reason Hollywood decided to run with the whole demonic doll idea.

Dolly Dearest sounds great on paper. Seriously. If I told you we were going to watch a movie about an ancient evil spirit, set it in Mexico, threw in some archeology and a demon goat baby, would you not be intrigued? Of course you would be. Somehow they still managed to fuck it all up. They even had Rip Torn in the mix! How the hell did this go so wrong?

I dont even know where to begin. None of the plot really made sense. Were just told that an American family moves to Mexico so that the father can buy an abandoned doll factory and then his daughters doll becomes infected by an evil spirit. I cant even give you a favorite kill because the doll doesnt really even kill anybody. Halfway through there are now multiple evil dolls with no explanation as to why! The movie ends when they blow up the doll factory, but are we supposed to believe that the evil is now purged? How would that help anything! This was just plain bad, and not in the good way.

1/5 Malibu Stacy dolls

Mamos Review: Dolly Dearest

What I learned from this movie:

Ancient evil spirits like to hang out in giant doll houses.

Review:

This movie was all about missed potential. Ancient evil spirit and an unearthed tomb? check. Very creepy looking doll that is turning someone’s daughter to a bad guy? check. Not just one evil doll, but many of the same doll running around causing trouble? check.

This all sounds like a recipe for a good scary movie, or at least a comically bad and entertaining scary movie, but sadly neither of these is the case. The movie feels like it is constantly building up to something, but it never gets there.  By the end of the movie nothing has really happened. Only two people have been killed by the dolls! These are supposed to be evil ancient spirits, but they would rather play hide and seek in a warehouse and look creepy then do anything really evil. I guess the evil industry has grown by leaps and bounds while these spirits were locked up and they just need to relearn the trade.

Best Monster Kill: None. Only two people die in this one and both the deaths were not very impressive. One person dies from a sewing machine getting him in the hand. That doesn’t even make sense.

Best Scene:

My favorite scene is definitely in the climax of the movie where the dolls and the man characters (including a young Rip Torn) face off in the warehouse. It is very confusing with people throwing dynamite all over and the dolls trying to put them out. You have to see it to truely try and understand what is going on, and even then, it is very confusing. You think the heroes would blow themselves up, also being in the warehouse, but they survive, and get a classic run out of the place while it blows up in the background scene.

Rating:

I was expecting a lot from a B-movie from the 90s, a decade full of amazing bad movies. This one greatly disappointed.

0/5 Happy Mamos’

 

Dolly Dearest

 

The holidays are over and its back to work. This week we are reviewing the movie Dolly Dearest. A classic from the ancient time known as the 90s. This movies brings us a lot of nastagia for flannel shirts, tape players, and dolls that murder people.

 

“If Chucky from Child’s Play weren’t already taken, he just might go for this demonic she-devil. Infused with the energy of an ancient black-magic cult, an otherwise normal plaything begins affecting her surroundings with a series of horrible “accidents.” But the little girl (Candy Hutson) who loves her refuses to believe her dolly has been bad. Rip Torn co-stars as an archaeologist who unearths the toy’s dirty little secret.”

Vipers

This Sunday we are getting together and watching the oscar snubbed Vipers. This movie is Tara Reid’s comeback movie. This movie looks like a quality that will bring her career back the same way Swordfish brought back Jon Travolta’s career.

Stay tuned- our reviews will be up this week

Synopsis:

A team of scientists is using venomous snakes in their quest to develop a cure for cancer. When the medical lab is broken into, the genetically altered vipersare unleashed on the helpless population. A rapidly dwindling number of survivors, trapped on a nearby island, hole up in a hotel in a last-ditch attempt to escape the bloodthirsty serpents. Tara Reid, Jonathan Scarfe, Corbin Bernsen and Jessica Steen star in this skin-crawling chiller.

Dave’s Review: Vipers

Unlike our last outing this film went straight to the action!  We have all sorts of plots and subplots. Genetically engineered beasts? check. Government conspiracy? check.  A secluded island with no cell reception? check and check! Basically it has all the ear marks of a great movie.

Once again the movie takes place in the Pacific Northwest (I swear we just picked it at random) on what I assume are the secluded San Juan Islands. Nicky Swift (Tara Reid) is the islands resident scientist/snake expert/marijuana farmer. As silly as it sounds she is by far the most interesting character. The rest of the cast include town cop, whiney teenager, dumb blonde with big tits, and a streetwise tough guy from NY. Generic to say the least, but not terrible.

After the Vipers escape their government lab we really get to see what makes them so special. Not only do they attack in groups, but they actually bite out chunks of flesh as they kill and can consume the entire body leaving no trace! Awesomeness. My favorite Viper kill came early when the sneaky serpents interrupted a couple on their honeymoon mid coitus. How they got in the tent is still a mystery, but they ate everything except the engagement ring. While I enjoyed the yin and yang of using both fire extinguishers and a flamethrower to combat the snakes, the best kill came when Mr. New York saved a fallen Nicky Swift by throwing his hunting knife and impaling a viper right through its open mouth!

Some parts of the movie dragged a bit as they tried to inject some feelings into the plot. It is also apparently impossible for Tara Reid to convey more than one emotion. Overall this was a fun outing that earns Vipers 3 1/2 Party Girls out of 5

Mamos Review: Vipers

What I learned from this movie:

As Dave stated above in his review. Our second movie is again in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.
This brings me to what I learned from this movie: Washington State has the most monsters, zombies, and genetically mutated animals in the United States.

Review:
After the zombie movie of last week we decided to try out a creature feature. This amazing piece of cinema takes us again to an island in the state of Washington. I used to want to move to an island, with beautiful views, water on every side, and a slow peaceful life. I now know that living on an island would lead to either death by zombie or I would be eaten by super snakes.

This movie again had a good amount of deaths and had a good amount of gore and ridiculous. Unfortunately I do not think anyone told the director he as directing a monster movie and not Shaw shank. Every 10 minutes (between snakes eating unsuspecting islanders) had a monologue by one of the characters about tough times in their life- the tough life in the marines, dumping a man she loved, or parents that asked for forgiveness from their child for screwing up some how. Each of these scenes even had a musical score behind it to try to add emotion and show the acting chops of the actors… but sadly, the snakes killed the acting ability before it got to the characters.

Best Monster Kill: I never knew Vipers eat their victims in the same way a tiger or a bear would, but apparently they do. Best kill would be after the Vipers poison their victim and then they swarm and start eating them. I’ve never seen this in a movie before (and I’ve seen many a creature feature) but I loved it.

Best Scene:
Every scene was a amazing when it didn’t have Tara Reid in it.

It was funny- and would make a great drinking game- to see how many scenes between two characters would end with Tara Reid coming into the scene to add her monotone opinion on what they are talking about. I know I am asking a lot from a woman that stared in Hitched and My Boss’s Daughter, but she was in The Big Lebowski.

They might look scary here, but they strike in CGI

Rating:
Sadly, I will have to disagree with Dave on his rating. Dave is more of a creature feature guy while I am more of a zombie apocalypse fan. As you can see from the ratings of our first two movies.

I also always have a hard time when the monsters are all CGI.Vipers did a decent job with the CGI for a tv movie, but… they are still CGI snakes.

1/5 My Boss’s Daughter DVDs

Dan’s Review: Vipers

So I’m a little late in reviewing our latest movie, but then again you need some time to fully process a film like Vipers.  As Dave and Mamos have mentioned, Vipers is a star vehicle for the illustrious Tara Reid. While, it didn’t co-star her mangled nipples, her wooden acting was indeed on full display.

Unlike our last film, the action picked up right from the start when an experiment at a science facility that was mutating vipers to cure cancer (makes perfect sense) goes horribly wrong.  Within the next 10 minutes we get a gratuitous sex scene and at least two more Viper maulings.  Now that’s what I call an inciting incident!

From there we meet our cast of characters, Reid’s Nicky Swift a tough no-nonsense pot grower that enjoys wearing beanies, a young doctor who fought in Iraq, a bratty teenager who gets in trouble for getting high with Tara Reid (as Fresh Prince once said, parents just don’t understand), some old guy, um i think there was a blonde dude…really, who cares; the vipers are the star of this film, and there are plenty of them (seriously, they started with like 6; these things must screw like bunnies).

From there we get a slew of viper kills.  While lacking a bit in variety, they make up for in quantity.  The film gets a bit muddled down by the insistence of including a plot (I think Reid was banging the Dr.’s buddy who died in the war?), but it’s basically wall-to-wall viper action.

This was a nice bounce-back film, and if they had killed off the teenage girl I might have bumped it up to 4 stars.  As it stands, Vipers gets a solid 3 self-entitled teenage girls out of 5.

Dave: Review for ZMD

“Dim the lights. Bingo night is cancelled.”

ZMD was a bit unlike any zombie movie I have ever seen.  While it had some legitimately cool scenes and a good sense of humor, I found the film to be a bit slow and preachy. Our heroine spent most of the movie tied to a lawn chair, it was a full half hour before a zombie attacked anyone, and too much time was spent on trashy white people hating on Iranian-Americans. There is a time and place to make a political statement. A zombie film is not one of them.

The film gets bonus points for being set in my home state of Washington. Washington is probably best known as the setting for Twilight, so anything to remove that stigma gets kudos from me. I also give props for the use of a weed whacker to kill zombies, a good face peeling/eating scene, and a zombie child having its head blown off. Frida is also pretty hot.

An unnecessary terrorist link and borderline boring action scenes earn this film 2 Iranian Head Rips out of 5

Dan: Review of Zombies of Mass Destruction

Sadly, Zombies of Mass Destruction was a disappointing start to ICFTBB.  Far too much Zombie-free action for my tastes.  It took a full half hour for our first kill.  When the total run time is 89 min, that’s a problem.

Then there’s the heavy handed politics.  Look, I’m all for a well done satire on right wing conservatives, but this movie is about as subtle as a hammer to the head (which, coincidently enough is the fate for one of our small-minded, racist characters).  The filmmakers decided this would be the platform to tackle all of the tough issues facing our country:  Fundamental Christianity – Check, Homophobia – Check, Terrorism – Check, Torture – Check, Racism – Check.   They should have spent less time shoehorning their politics into the script and more time shoehorning zombies…in the face…with a shoehorn.

On the plus side, I did enjoy the “holy crap did they just do that?” scene where a little (non-Zombified) girl is introduced only to immediately have her run over by a speeding car, leaving  only her severed hand remaining.  The best part is this doesn’t illicit a single reaction from the other characters.

Overall, I give this one Hit and Run out of five.